I already liked the podcast of the same name, Good Inside, so checked the e-book out from my local library on Libby and gave it a read. I really liked it.
Here are some assorted thoughts on the first 18 chapters or so, at random:
I ran out of steam summarizing more, I ended up highlighting a lot of this book. If you’re raising a toddler or young kid and struggling with screaming – you or your kid! – check it out.
The idea of multiplicity: Two things can be true
This comes up a lot and I think is a really healthy attitude to have in parenting, relationships, and life.
Two things can be true: our feelings and someone else’s feelings can both be valid. We can love parenting and still need a break from our kids. We can be playful but still have firm clear expectations. We can do what’s right for our family, and our kids can be upset. I can be happy to have a roof over my head but still wish I had something different. I can be a good parents and still yell at my kids sometimes.
“When things feel tough, I remind myself of this ultimate “two things are true” statement: I am a good parent having a hard time. It’s so easy to slip into a “one thing is true” mentality here: “I’m a bad parent, I’m messing everything up, I can’t to do this, I’m the worst.” This self-talk fills us with guilt and shame, and when we’re in that mindset, change is impossible”
Convincing is at odds with this; when we try convincing someone their perspective/feelings are completely wrong, we are saying one thing must be true. Sometimes there is one truth (read: science). But in emotional relationships, oftentimes both our perspectives have grains of truth and usefulness. “Two things can be true” is the opposite of convincing: it fosters curiousity and connection. Why do you feel something different than me? How can this bring us together, even though we have different views on this?
Kids jobs (Feelings) vs our jobs (Boundaries/Safety)
The main goal of boundaries is to keep our children safe. We step in, when our kid is doing something they may not yet have good decision making about (obvious example: running into a road). Kids may not like this. This is fine. Their safety is more important than being 100% happy all the time.
Some boundaries:
- When kid out of control/dysregulated hitting people and screaming, I will move you to a safe spot for you to feel your feelings
Our kids jobs is to feel feelings. Our job is to keep our kids safe.
“I am doing my job of keeping my child safe. My child is doing their job of expressing feelings. We are both doing what we need to do. I can handle this.”
Keeping our kids safe includes helping them process and regulate their emotions. Having big emotions can make a kid feel unsafe in their body, like a fire raging. Before we fireproof the house, we must first put out the fire.
Its never to late for repair
We aren’t always perfect but when we mess up we can Repair. This means acknowledging what we did so kids don’t succumb to self doubt: Did my mom/dad really say those loud and mean things? I love my mom, and she loves me so probably not.
We want kids to trust their feelings and experiences of the world. We don’t want them to think bad things are only happening in their head – picture when they someday have a romantic partner, we want them to trust their judgement if the relationship goes awry. So when we Repair, we state what we did. We apologize. We state we will try to do better. We connect after an intense disconnect.
“Mommy was having big feelings that came out in a yelling voice. Those were my feelings and it’s my job to work on managing them better. It’s never your fault when I yell and it’s not your job to figure out how I can stay calmer. I love you.”
Resilience > Happiness
We don’t just want our kids to feel happy and ignore all other feelings; we don’t want to rewrite their experiences. They will feel the full range of human experiences. Therefore, before happiness, they must experience regulation of the negative feelings.
When our kids are tantruming it sure feels like we just want that to end. But really we want them to process that feeling.
“…as we start thinking, “Ah! I need to make this feeling go away right now,” the distress grows and grows, not as a reaction to the original experience, but because we believe these negative emotions are wrong, bad, scary, or too much. Ultimately, this is how anxiety takes hold within a person. Anxiety is the intolerance of discomfort. It’s the experience of not wanting to be in your body, the idea that you should be feeling differently in that specific moment. And this isn’t a product of “being a downer” or “seeing the glass as half-empty”; it’s a product of evolution. Our bodies will not allow us to “relax” if we believe the feelings inside us are overpowering and frightening. So, where’s the happiness here? Well, it’s crowded out. It cannot surface”
“When we tell ourselves that we just want our kids to be happy, we take on the job of happiness police, eager to help our kids avoid discomfort instead of teaching our kids how to cope with discomfort. This wires a child for a circuit that says, “Discomfort is bad, wrong, and a sign I need immediate ease. I need to look for that ‘better’ feeling because I never learned how to tolerate distress.” This is very different from the circuit built by nurturing resilience: “Discomfort happens, discomfort is where I learn. I am not scared of discomfort because I learned to tolerate it in my childhood—because my parent tolerated it in me.”
Behaviour is a Window
“I also feel compelled to point out that in my family, when my older child grabbed a toy from a baby sibling, the baby usually didn’t care. And because I was less attached to the behavior itself and more interested in what the behavior was telling me, I would often . . . do nothing. I’d pause and wait. I wouldn’t make my child give it back. And these were some of the most amazing moments: I saw my kid as good inside, I wasn’t scared the behavior would continue forever, and so I didn’t react. I knew the underlying issue had nothing to do with the toy and everything to do with his feelings, and, no joke, more times than not my child would return the toy on his own.”
Behaviour modification can appear really successful for people pleasers (kid really wants to please you!). This is convenient in parenting and childhood, but can lead to issues like reluctance to say no, prioritizing others over oneself, inability to assert one’s needs in adulthood.
When we instead see behaviour as a window into the soul, rather than something to be corrected, we can help address the underlying need rather than whack a mole behaviour shut down fixing shut down fixing. The issue will keep coming back if we don’t see to the underlying issue. Behaviour is information.
Another reason to connect instead of behaviour modification: We need a sturdy foundation if we want kids to want to be with us, connected.
Here are some questions to get you started, to ask yourself after any tough moment:
- What is my most generous interpretation (MGI) of my child’s behavior?
- What was going on for my child in that moment?
- What was my child feeling right before that behavior emerged?
- What urge did my child have a hard time regulating?
- What is a parallel situation in my life? And if I did something similar, what might I have been struggling with in that moment?
- What does my child feel I don’t understand about them?
- If I remember that my child is a good kid having a hard time . . . what are they having a hard time with
Seeing what the behaviour is a window to is HARD.
Reducing Shame
“here’s what’s critical to understand about shame: it is an evolutionarily adaptive feeling. Being alone as a child is synonymous with being in danger, so shame works, within the attachment system, as a signal to a child to hide the part of them that does not successfully gain attachment. Shame feels so awful because it awakens our body to a painful but important piece of information: You will not get your needs met if you keep on being who you are right now. Instead, you will be met with rejection—often in the form of judgment“
Kids when ashamed will often freeze. If a kid feels ashamed they may refuse to apologize, lie. If we further shame or do a time out or something a kid may feel abandoned. Put aside the goal of an apology for the moment.
Here’s an intervention that doesn’t help to reduce shame: “Irha, you have to say sorry. It’s a simple word! You’re making the situation worse! How could you care so little about your sister? COME ON!” Here, Irha is put in the “bad kid” role and spirals further into her badness, and further into her frozen shame state.
Self Care
I really like “Hot cocoa breaths”, for me it was really regulating: Breath in like you’re smelling hot chocolate, slowly breath out so its like you are blowing on the hot chocolate as if to not have the marshmallows fall off.
Acknowledge, Validate, Permit (AVP) Avoiding your feelings never ends the way you want it to. In fact, the more you avoid distress or will it to go away, the worse it becomes. Our bodies interpret avoidance
Label your feelings and validate them: “Today was a difficult day”, “I’m noticing a lot of worry right now”, “My chest feels shaky and stressed”. Your feelings make sense, you can add something about “Today was a difficult day, caring for two kids while they fight each other while doing renovations and making dinner… no wonder today was so hard!” This helps give us permission for these feelings.
Your self care is allowed to inconvenience others. When you ask for a break, its okay if the person helping you isn’t thrilled at having to pick up the slack.
Visualize yourself on one side of a tennis court and someone else on the other side. Remind yourself, “I am over here . . . I have my need and my decision on my side. He is over THERE, on his own side. His feelings about my decisions . . . those are on HIS side of the court, not mine. I can see them, I can even empathize with them.
Here’s a list of small self-care activities to get you started: Drink one glass of water in the morning, Meditate for two minutes, Drink your coffee while it’s hot, Cook yourself a legitimate breakfast, Listen to calming music, Read a few pages of a book, Have a good cry, Take five hot cocoa breaths while seated, Rest in child’s pose, Color, Talk to a friend, Brush your hair, Journal.
Repair, as we do with our kids, can be done with ourselves as part of self care. Place a hand on your heart and tell yourself: “It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to not have it all together. Even as I am having a hard time on the outside . . . I remain good inside. I am good inside.”
Building Connection
Play no phone (PNP time): Basically what it sounds like. Set your phone aside and play with your kid (one on one). This can be just 10-15 minutes. Show that you’re setting it somewhere to the side (maybe have a special basket; can help demonstrate this skill for when kid has a phone someday). Then, let your kid pick the play and you notice, reflect, and participate as they would like. You can describe what they are doing (“you’re building a red tower!”), mimic (do what they are doing next to them, for example copy their drawing style), do reflective listening (mirror back what they say, e.g. they say “the cat wants tea”, you say just that back “the cat wants tea!”).
Using our words to build connection when kid is upset:
“That sounds really hard.” “That stinks. It really does.” “I’m so glad you’re talking to me about this.” “I believe you.” “Being a kid right now . . . ugh, it feels so so hard. I get that.” “You’re really sad about that. You’re allowed to be, sweetie.” “I’m right here with you. I’m so glad we’re together talking about this.” “Sometimes we don’t have a way to feel better right away. Sometimes when can do is talk nicely to ourselves and talk to people who understand.” “I love you. I love you the same no matter how you’re feeling and no matter what is happening in your life.”
Actions when kid is upset:
Sit on the couch or the bed with your child as they talk to you. Say very little as they talk. Nod. Look sympathetic. Offer your child a hug while they’re upset. Breathe deeply together
Be Playful:
Silly dance parties, talent shows, Making up songs or rhymes. Family karaoke. Playing dress-up, playing house, or other fantasy play. Building a fort. Use playfulness as a first response to missed manners, not listening, or whining. Examples: “Oh no, the thank-yous are missing again! Okay, okay, where can they be . . . oh wait, wait, I found them! Under the couch! Let me get them back into you. Okay! Got it. Whew!” Ask yourself: “What did I like to play when I was a kid? What did I always want someone to do with me?” I once worked with a family in which the father really struggled to play with his kids; he lit up as he remembered playing the game Crossfire as a child, then ordered it online to play with his own children. This was the first step down
Storytelling: You can use stories from your own childhood to relate to your kid. “Did I ever tell you the time when…” and then share something similar that happened to you long ago. It can help share problem solving and relation to similar situations. Use this strategy when they are already calm. And you don’t need to point out the exact parallel to what just happened in their life, you can keep it vague.
Repairing vs Apologizing: Sometimes apologies can end the conversation. But repair opens the floor for more discussion. “I’m sorry” is the beginning of the repair, not necessarily the part where we close and move on. Share that you’ve been reflecting. Acknowledge the other person’s experience. State what you would do differently next time. Connect through curiosity now that things feel safer
Kids not listening to you
“Not listening” is really “not cooperating” with us. This could be because of a relationship barometer – in which case the connection strategies above can be helpful. The more connected we feel to someone, the more we want to help someone and comply with them.
Further, often when kids aren’t listening to us its when we are asking them to do something that is helpful for us as the parents, but inconvenient and somewhat undesirable for the kid. The example given is, Imagine someone said to you, “Hey, cancel your lunch plans and help me clean the toilet!” How would you feel? That is kind of how a kid feels when they are asked to get in their car seat when they are in the middle of playing with toys.
So some strategies are: Connect BEFORE you ask (using one of the connection strategies above), give your kid a choice (Me: I have found this to be mildly helpful at best, a lot of the time my kid picks “Something else”), use humor in the request,
Script examples: “Wow, you’ve been working so hard on that tower. I know it’s going to be tricky to pause and take a bath. If we do a quick bath now, you will have time to build more before bed.”, “I know it’s so hard to end playdates, because you’ve been having so much fun! We have to leave now, but Matias’s mom and I can set up your next playdate really soon.”, “Oh no . . . your listening ears are lost! Okay, wait, I think I found them. Oh my goodness, can you believe this . . . I found them in this plant! How did they get there? Let’s get them back on your body before they sprout into a flower”
Tantrums
Tantrums are normal. They often happen when a desire is unfulfilled. Go back to “Both things can be true”: I want you to memorize these words: “Two things are true: I’m in charge of this decision and my answer is no. You’re in charge of your feelings and you’re allowed to be upset. Nothing is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with my child. I can cope with this.”
When our kids are dysregulated we often fall into self-blame or wonder what is wrong. Nothing. This is normal.
Some strategies:
- Name the wish: Say out loud what the kid wants
- Validate the magnitude: Sympathize with the feeling. You are SO MAD. You want those crayons so big as big as this room. As big as the whole house! No- the city!!
Remember your job – to keep your child safe and remain calm, not to end the tantrum. Your kids job is to feel their feelings.
Aggressive tantrums occur when a kid is feeling overwhelmed and scared of their own feelings. They lash out and have explosive terrifying feelings coursing through their body. When you think of your child as terrified rather than bad or aggressive, you’ll be more able to give them what they need. Their lashing out is intense self-protection mechanism.
Strategies:
- I won’t let you… and follow up: Tell them what you won’t let them do, then remove them or the problem from their surroundings so they can’t do it. “I won’t let you hit your little sister” and move the little sister to another room. “I won’t let you jump on the table” and pick them off the table. “I won’t let you hit me” and standing up/blocking the punch. Try to keep “I won’t let you” for only the biggest boundaries
- Differentiate urge from action: Wanting to bite is ok, biting a person is not.
A firm boundary—stopping a child from doing something that is dangerous—is sometimes the highest form of love and protection. It signals to a child that their emotional fire will not take over the entire house or yard or birthday party.
To try: Pick up kid and take to a small room, close the door, sit with them. Remove anything they can use to hurt you, themselves, or their surroundings. Sit with them and do whatever it takes for you to stay calm: Hot cocoa breaths, Tell them: “My number one job is to keep you safe, and right now safety means carrying you to your room and sitting with you there. You’re not in trouble. I love you. I’m here.”, Prevent aggression, demonstrate to your kid that you can withstand their emotions and their emotions won’t destroy you. Don’t try to reason, don’t lecture, don’t punish, don’t say too much at all. Your child is in a threat state; they cannot process any words. Before you talk to your child, find your slow pace and soft tone. Loud, chaotic tantrums need calm, steady voices. Tell your child some of the following, more slowly and quietly than feels natural, while looking off to the side or to the ground, because when a child (or adult) is in fight-or-flight mode, direct eye contact can be interpreted as a threat by a kid having a hard time. I’m here. I love you. Do your thing. You’re allowed to feel this way.” Or try to sing a simple song over and over, very slowly. Something like, “Blake, Blake, it’s okay . . . Blake, Blake, it’s okay . . . Blake, Blake, it’s okay . . . let’s take a deep breath,” and then take an audible slow diaphragmatic breath.
After it is all done, tell the story of what happened rather than ignoring and moving on.
Sibling Rivalry
“We don’t do fair, we do individual needs”. Fairness can lead to watching each other trying to make sure things are eternally equal. “And there’s a longer-term reason why we don’t want to aim for “fairness” in our families: we want to help our kids orient inward to figure out their needs, not orient outward. When my kids are adults, I don’t want them to think, “What do my friends have? What are their jobs, their homes, their cars? I need what they have.””
Zero tolerance for putting each other down or name calling: Aka, bullying.
Try to let them sort it out on their own. Step in if there is actual danger, otherwise take a step back. Maybe narrate what is happening. Let them sort it out otherwise.